Me and my bright ideas

Yes, it was my idea to get a dog. Yes, numerous people suggested that perhaps this was not the best time to get a dog what with trying to sell my house and all. I mean, there are already 3 little creatures trying their best to undo my work at every turn. Did I really need to add dog to the list of things that are making me insane right now? Yes, people mentioned this.

But, I didn't listen. Mostly because, well, listening . . . it's not really my thing.

So, now here we are. We've had this dog for a little over two weeks, and I would give him back in a heartbeat if it weren't for the minor issue of devastating my children. I know, life's hard, them's the breaks, they'll get over it, etc., but really? Have you tried telling 3, 4, and 6 year-olds that you're thinking of getting rid of their dog? Picture three quivering lips and 6 eyes welling up with tears. That's pretty much how it goes.

Of course, when I was cleaning dog poop off the wood floor at 3:30 this morning, I was tough. I had resolve.

Things tend to change when the sun comes up. If by 7:15 am you've already snapped at everyone in the house - twice - perhaps taking away their dog is not the best way to top it off.

So, what do I do? Seriously, I've decided to give this listening thing a try.

Problems:
1. Dog thinks hall is bathroom. He rarely pees inside, but this hall is the ONLY place he poops.
2. Dog does not mind soiling his correct-size crate. (Yes, we've already figured out the size thing. The first one was too big, so we exchanged it for a smaller one. No help. Now I end up with a filthy crate AND a filthy dog.)
3. If left out of crate when we leave the house, dog jumps up onto the table and counter . No, he's not a small dog. Yes, he jumps ONTO the counter, thereby destroying anything he can find on said counter. (Note to self: move crockpot containing tonight's pot roast into bathroom before leaving today.)

I've read everything I can find about how to fix these problems. Take him out more, take him out longer, never let him out of your sight, reward him when he poops outside. The problem is I take him outside a hundred times a day. For 2 minutes or 2 hrs, it doesn't matter. He will still poop when we get back inside.

And, believe me, I would reward him if he pooped outside. But, he won't. I've taken to praying that he will poop outside just so I can reward him.

And, no, I don't say "praying" as a mere hyperbole just to mean that I reeeeeally want him to poop; I literally pray. "God, pleeeeeeeeease let Hearsay poop so he can finally learn to stop pooping inside, and I can stop getting out of bed to clean the freakin' floor at 3 am."

Yes, I sometimes say "freakin'" when I pray.

If someone had not already done it, I would consider keeping him just to write a book about what an insane dog he is and make lots of money off of it. But, since that's been done . . . now what?