Of course, I'm referring to the dog. The other three "he's" in the house have pretty much secured tenure.
Here's the list of reasons the dog should probably be gone by now:
1. He continues to think the hall is his own personal latrine.
2. He can jump on counters.
3. He jumped on said counter last night and absconded with our pot roast. (No, I am not making this up. He had to be chased around the living room to get it back so we could have dinner. Okay, I'm kidding about the having dinner part. Fortunately, it was after we had eaten, but still . . . there WAS half a roast left, and it was going to be tonight's dinner!)
4. He whines and barks like a psycho every time I leave the house. The vet said he can prescribe doggie Xanax. Leave it to me to pick the dog who would need Xanax.
5. He likes to eat Star Wars characters. He seems particularly fond (or just the opposite, depending on how you look at it) of Darth Vader. He has no legs and only one remaining arm. Sort of like in Revenge of the Sith, only he's already in the whole Vader getup.
6. Did I mention the hall?
Reasons I have not gotten rid of the dog:
1. Joshua
2. Ethan
3. Lauren
Yeah, I know. The first list is longer, so it wins. Right?
Showing posts with label the darn dog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the darn dog. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Me and my bright ideas
Yes, it was my idea to get a dog. Yes, numerous people suggested that perhaps this was not the best time to get a dog what with trying to sell my house and all. I mean, there are already 3 little creatures trying their best to undo my work at every turn. Did I really need to add dog to the list of things that are making me insane right now? Yes, people mentioned this.
But, I didn't listen. Mostly because, well, listening . . . it's not really my thing.
So, now here we are. We've had this dog for a little over two weeks, and I would give him back in a heartbeat if it weren't for the minor issue of devastating my children. I know, life's hard, them's the breaks, they'll get over it, etc., but really? Have you tried telling 3, 4, and 6 year-olds that you're thinking of getting rid of their dog? Picture three quivering lips and 6 eyes welling up with tears. That's pretty much how it goes.
Of course, when I was cleaning dog poop off the wood floor at 3:30 this morning, I was tough. I had resolve.
Things tend to change when the sun comes up. If by 7:15 am you've already snapped at everyone in the house - twice - perhaps taking away their dog is not the best way to top it off.
So, what do I do? Seriously, I've decided to give this listening thing a try.
Problems:
1. Dog thinks hall is bathroom. He rarely pees inside, but this hall is the ONLY place he poops.
2. Dog does not mind soiling his correct-size crate. (Yes, we've already figured out the size thing. The first one was too big, so we exchanged it for a smaller one. No help. Now I end up with a filthy crate AND a filthy dog.)
3. If left out of crate when we leave the house, dog jumps up onto the table and counter . No, he's not a small dog. Yes, he jumps ONTO the counter, thereby destroying anything he can find on said counter. (Note to self: move crockpot containing tonight's pot roast into bathroom before leaving today.)
I've read everything I can find about how to fix these problems. Take him out more, take him out longer, never let him out of your sight, reward him when he poops outside. The problem is I take him outside a hundred times a day. For 2 minutes or 2 hrs, it doesn't matter. He will still poop when we get back inside.
And, believe me, I would reward him if he pooped outside. But, he won't. I've taken to praying that he will poop outside just so I can reward him.
And, no, I don't say "praying" as a mere hyperbole just to mean that I reeeeeally want him to poop; I literally pray. "God, pleeeeeeeeease let Hearsay poop so he can finally learn to stop pooping inside, and I can stop getting out of bed to clean the freakin' floor at 3 am."
Yes, I sometimes say "freakin'" when I pray.
If someone had not already done it, I would consider keeping him just to write a book about what an insane dog he is and make lots of money off of it. But, since that's been done . . . now what?
But, I didn't listen. Mostly because, well, listening . . . it's not really my thing.
So, now here we are. We've had this dog for a little over two weeks, and I would give him back in a heartbeat if it weren't for the minor issue of devastating my children. I know, life's hard, them's the breaks, they'll get over it, etc., but really? Have you tried telling 3, 4, and 6 year-olds that you're thinking of getting rid of their dog? Picture three quivering lips and 6 eyes welling up with tears. That's pretty much how it goes.
Of course, when I was cleaning dog poop off the wood floor at 3:30 this morning, I was tough. I had resolve.
Things tend to change when the sun comes up. If by 7:15 am you've already snapped at everyone in the house - twice - perhaps taking away their dog is not the best way to top it off.
So, what do I do? Seriously, I've decided to give this listening thing a try.
Problems:
1. Dog thinks hall is bathroom. He rarely pees inside, but this hall is the ONLY place he poops.
2. Dog does not mind soiling his correct-size crate. (Yes, we've already figured out the size thing. The first one was too big, so we exchanged it for a smaller one. No help. Now I end up with a filthy crate AND a filthy dog.)
3. If left out of crate when we leave the house, dog jumps up onto the table and counter . No, he's not a small dog. Yes, he jumps ONTO the counter, thereby destroying anything he can find on said counter. (Note to self: move crockpot containing tonight's pot roast into bathroom before leaving today.)
I've read everything I can find about how to fix these problems. Take him out more, take him out longer, never let him out of your sight, reward him when he poops outside. The problem is I take him outside a hundred times a day. For 2 minutes or 2 hrs, it doesn't matter. He will still poop when we get back inside.
And, believe me, I would reward him if he pooped outside. But, he won't. I've taken to praying that he will poop outside just so I can reward him.
And, no, I don't say "praying" as a mere hyperbole just to mean that I reeeeeally want him to poop; I literally pray. "God, pleeeeeeeeease let Hearsay poop so he can finally learn to stop pooping inside, and I can stop getting out of bed to clean the freakin' floor at 3 am."
Yes, I sometimes say "freakin'" when I pray.
If someone had not already done it, I would consider keeping him just to write a book about what an insane dog he is and make lots of money off of it. But, since that's been done . . . now what?
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