Ruined

Here's the update David had for me recently:  The new firm he's formed in Pennsylvania is, well, not really producing any income.  To say none at all would be an exaggeration, but only a very slight one.  The house we have been planning to buy? Not  so fast.  Given the lack of income, the house is up in the air now.  

Combine that with a few other things going on in my life  right now, and I have been in a pretty downward-directed spiral of emotions the past couple of days.  I'm not a panicky person by nature, but when I do panic, it gets me in quite a funk.  Fear grips hold of my heart, and it's hard for me to think about anything else.  

Such was my state of mind and heart as we left our small group last night.  I had a hard time concentrating on what  was being said - and an even harder time participating - because I felt as though I was fighting off a full fledged anxiety attack, and if I opened my mouth or began to talk about it, it would all be over but the crying.  Literally.

So, I gathered up my kids as quickly as I could, intending to get out the door and to my van before any well-intentioned people, whom I dearly love, could ask me how I'm doing.  

"Come on, guys.  Hurry up.  It's a school night," I was saying as I rushed them toward the van.  Great, we're almost outta here.

And then Lauren fell and scraped her hand.  It was not a deep or a large scrape  by any stretch of the imagination, but you'd never know that from the way she shrieked hysterically.  In my attempt to convince her that hers was not a life-threatening injury, I showed her the scrape.  

"Look at your hand," I said, "It's fine."  

"MOMMY, IT'S RUINED!!!"

At that point I couldn't help but  laugh as I carried her inside to get that most magical of all healing remedies for children - a bandaid.  It  helped, but she still wailed the entire way back to the van and most of the way home, saying at one point, "Mommy, it will NEVER go away!!"

I told this story to some friends at Bible Study this morning despite the funk of anxiety I still have not been able to shake from my gut.  Later, as I was on the way home, I thought of it again.

It seems God gets a kick out of teaching me lessons through my children.  

Is what I'm doing any different from what Lauren did?  God has given me sign after sign, peace upon peace, that He is leading us to Pennsylvania.  He has provided and shown His presence every step of the way.  But, give me some bad news, and just like Lauren, I cry in my heart, "I'm ruined!"  

God, help me to trust.  Forgive my childish tantrums and pity-parties.  Release me from my fear, and remind me that You are my good and gracious and loving Father and  that You withhold no good thing . . . even if some of the things you send don't seem good to me right now.

Thank you that your plans - and your children - can never be ruined.