Thursday, May 7, 2009

America's Most Wanted

That is one place I'm pretty sure you'll never see my picture turn up.

I was driving behind a Loomis truck this morning, and I began to wonder about the kind of person who could pull off robbing such a target.  As I pondered, I became firmly convinced that were I ever to attempt such a feat, my mug would most assuredly turn up on America's Dumbest Criminals rather than America's Most Wanted.

I so lack the energy and focus to plan an armed robbery.  It was with no small effort that I decided on - and executed - a plan to have cereal and toast for dinner tonight.  The idea of studying truck design and security and driver routes - not to mention coming up with a good stick 'em up line - just flat out exhausts me.  

Also, I'm pretty easily deterred, so those little details that can't be anticipated would mostly likely derail my exhaustingly laid plans.  

Like rain.  I don't like to be out in the rain.  Maybe it's because I don't enjoy being wet, or maybe it's because I'm afraid of lightning (which makes me unable to bring myself to hold a giant metal lightning rod, aka an umbrella, over my head during a storm), but I will seriously reconfigure my day if it rains. Library books overdue?  They can wait till tomorrow.  Grocery run?  We can eat cereal again.  Take Joshua to school?  Aw, he can read at home.  Suffice it to say, the odds are pretty high that if it rained, my larceny plans would be out the window.

Also, if I was having a bad hair day.  I mean, the chances of my having a mug shot taken go up astronomically if I decide to commit a felony, right?  Who wants an ugly mug shot?  Just ask Nick Nolte.

I suppose there are a lot of downsides to being a motivationally-challenged individual.  If I weren't so lazy, I'd list them.  There is, however, an upside.  Who knows what kind of havoc I might wreak on the world if I had more energy?  Which just led me to a brilliant idea.  Give all of the criminals children to adopt.  Clearly, they have too much time and energy on their hands, and who can suck that right out of a person better than a few little miniature people?  I know.  I boggle the mind.

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