Thursday, September 24, 2009

This just in . . .

I've always been a newspaper junkie. In Georgia, I would always read the front page first, followed by the letters to the editor, the editorial columns, and the local news, in that order. (If you live in my hometown, and you're in need of a reason to get up every morning, start reading the letters to the editor. You'll realize that the world truly needs you. If you're an idiot, your letter will fit right in, and if you're not, it will be a welcome - though far less entertaining - addition.)

Sadly, the town we live in now is not large enough to require a daily paper, so I must settle for a weekly read. Every Wednesday I head to the store for my news fix, but my reading routine has been completely altered by my discovery of the crime section.

Yes, tinytown's* paper has a crime section titled "State Police Log" because not only does it report on crime in our town, but in all of the neighboring buroughs and townships. (You know how I love those words.)

Here for your enjoyment are some of the newsworthy items in this week's crime section. (I have copied these verbatim, so don't shoot the messenger for the punctuation choices. The additional quotes are things quoted in the reports.)

A Township: Police report they are investigating an act of scattering rubbish on private property located on MH road. Police reported JRG, 43, is the accused and reported that he "deposited on the land of another household rubbish."

K Townships: State Police have charged KWC with summary disorderly conduct. According to police, C "is alleged to have moved a large pile of dirt and rocks from the roadside onto the roadway of the UBS Road."

R Township: The theft of a prescription bottle, that contained over the counter medication, from a residence located on 3rd Street, is under investigation by State Police. According to police, on September 6 between 1-9:30 pm someone "entered the residence of SCH and stole the medication from the medicine cabinet."

R Township: A burglary at the residence of CC is under investigaion by State Police. According to police, on September 17 between 6:30-9:15 pm someone entered her home and "scattered cigarettes throughout the residence floor . . . (and) also used the cigarettes to spell vulgar words on the floor."

H Township: State Police report they "recovered a bicycle" on X Road.

Two more reports involve people "discovered to have been trespassing on posted private property."

The moral of the story, I guess, is don't move to R township any time soon because there is apparently a crime spree underway right now with two crimes in one week. Residents, lock your medicine cabinets.

And while you're at it, put your cigarettes in there.

* Note to residents of tinytown: I refer to the town I live in as tinytown to avoid broadcasting my whereabouts to the world wide web, not for deragatory purposes. Try not to be offended.


Anonymous said...

You should read the B. Era. They have a daily paper full of stories just like that! Only you will get a daily dose! A few months ago a man entered a neighbors house and urinated on her clothing. Another story involved the suspect fleeing the scene of the crime in a wheel chair "propelling himself with his feet not his hands". Front page stories include who shot the biggest bear/deer/turkey. At one time, on the front page there was a picture of a dog doing his business because doggie doo doo had become a problem in the area...worth the subscription!

Anonymous said...

Thought you would enjoy from todays news...

September 29, 2009 01:09PM
Lewis Run Man Facing Charges

A Lewis Run man is facing assault charges after allegedly throwing a frozen pack of meat at his girlfriend. According to records filed in District Judge Dom Cercone's office, 25-year-old Nicholas Blauser allegedly threw the meat at Michele Schaming sometime between 12:30 and 1 a.m. today. Schaming suffered a laceration to her face and had to be treated at Bradford Regional Medical Center. Blauser is free on $10,000 unsecured bail.