1-800-222-1222

If you're not familiar with that number, you are obviously a better parent than I am you apparently have not had to call Poison Control as many times as I have.

I believe the first was when Joshua was about 6 months old and decided to suck on a dryer sheet.

Then there was the time 4 year-old Ethan made himself vomit from eating an entire tube of toothpaste.

Of course we'll never forget when 3 year-old Lauren drank a bottle of liquid Tylenol. (And I'm sure she'll never forget Supernurse who had to put her in a choke-hold to get her to drink the activated charcoal in the emergency room.)

I've called enough times now that it makes me really nervous when they want to know my name and all my children's ages. I'm just sure they are scanning a Most Wanted list looking for my name.

Nevertheless, laying aside my fear of having my mug-shot hung on a Poison Control window, I had to call again tonight.

PC: How can I help you?

Me: Um, I accidentally left the burner on my gas stove on without a flame. For about five hours.

PC: If the gas was leaking, you would smell it.

Me: Yeah, I do smell it. It's almost nauseatingly strong. My kids are all asleep. Do I need to wake them up and take them outside for fresh air? Please say no, please say no!

PC: Are the windows open?

Me: They are now.

PC: As long as you have the house well-ventilated they should be fine since they're not in the kitchen.

Me: But I can smell the gas upstairs, too. Even in their bedrooms.

PC: As long as no one has a headache or is nauseated or lethargic, they should be fine.

Me: Well, do I need to wake them up? Please say no. (I did make sure they were alive before I called.)

PC: Ahh, it couldn't hurt to wake the up and see how they're doing.

Me: See how they're doing?

PC: Yeah, just make sure they're not acting sick or lethargic.

Me: Make sure my sound-asleep children are not acting lethargic?

PC: As long as the windows are open, they should be fine.

This was without a doubt the least helpful call I have ever made to poison control. As long as my kids are not acting really, really sleepy when I wake them after they've been sleeping for three hours, they should be fine.

"Oh, and don't light any matches."

Thanks, I feel much better now.