Random thoughts from the road

On Friday I drove from northern Pennsylvania to Washington, DC to spend the weekend with my best friends from law school. It was my birthday on Saturday, so it was nice to spend that time with close friends who know and love me . . . but that's not what this post is about.

This is just a random sampling of thoughts and observations from my journey.

1. I really must learn to pronounce "metallurgy" because I pass one on the highway near here and always spend the next 10 miles saying the word in my head. I can never decide whether to say met-allergy or meta-lurgy. Really ruins the next leg of my drive.

2. The highway that runs through and near my town is Rt. 6. That's how we refer to it, but I now know from Mapquest and a GPS that its official name is Grand Army of the Republic Highway. Who names these things? I felt like I should be riding horseback and carrying a rifle and a flag.

3. In Lewisburg I passed a hospital that was located on Loan Rd. How apropos.

4. We seem to have only one radio station in our town, so I was enjoying scanning the stations during the drive. However, I heard the same country song a few times, and it was quite baffling. I decided either I do not get "take you for a ride on my big green tractor" or I totally get it. We'll leave it at that.

5. There is a place not far from here that offers covered wagon rides, but the post holding up their sign shows through, so it always looks like it says clovered wagon rides.

6. Speaking of signs, there is one as you enter a small township near here that says "X Township. Permits required." That's it. No explanation as to what type of permit. I always find this quite vexing. Do I need a permit to live there? To drive through? To breathe? To be vexed? What???

(By the way "townships" are common here, as are boroughs. I am used to living in cities or towns, and that's pretty much it, but everything here is a borough or a township. I think "township" sounds nice - very Little House on the Prairie like - but "borough" I'm not a fan of. It sounds like we dug some kind of deep hole for ourselves. Plus, it's hard to spell.)

7. I borrowed a GPS device for my trip, and I fell in love. First with Mandy (the voice giving me directions on the way down) then with Tim (the poorly named British chap who told me how to get home). I've since had to break it off with both of them, but I will save that for another post.

Shattered dreams

My dream is dead.

I was going to be a star. A movie star. I was going to be rich and famous and wow audiences and stun critics with my talent as Denzel Washington's love interest. And now it's over.

After more than 20 minutes of blood, sweat, and tears, the dream is dead. We were too late for the casting call.

Apparently, Denzel Washington is going to be filming a movie in the next town over, and today there was an open casting call. Sure, it was supposed to be for extras, but I just knew that when they saw me, the casting directors would be so blown away by my talent (which would somehow be evident by my mere presence) that they would cast me in a lead role. In fact, they would probably re-write the movie so that it centered more around my character. And make sequels, lots of sequels.

Sadly, I did not learn of this 12-8 pm casting call until 7:45 pm. David's cousin saw it in the paper and called to see if I was crazy enough to stop what I was doing right that second and go with her. She said she couldn't get anyone else to go, but I'm pretty sure what she meant by that was, "You are beautiful and talented, and I love being with you, but I had to ask everyone else in the family first so their feelings wouldn't be hurt, but it's really you I wanted to go." Or something close anyway.

So, having a limited number of opportunities to do crazy and spontaneous things since I'm almost 29 years old again, and I live in Arctic Mayberry, I said yes. Yes, if you absolutely insist, I'll stop cleaning the bathroom and go become rich and famous. Thus, my dream was born.

And 20 minutes later it was dead. (Or at least floundering on life-support. I guess it wasn't fully dead for another 10 minutes, which is when we gave up hope of finding the casting director's hotel.)

So now Mary Esther and I (I started to abbreviate her name as ME, but then it read "ME and I," and I was afraid that would give some of you the impression that I was schizophrenic, or worse yet, that I use incorrect grammar, so I'll have to write out her name) are trying to find another way to achieve fame and fortune without actually having to do any work. We're considering reality t.v., but we're running into a lot of roadblocks.

Our stomachs are too weak for shows that involve drinking cow's blood or eating roaches, so Survivor and Amazing Race are out.

We have no talent, so American Idol and America's Got Talent are obviously out.

We have no readily noticeable neuroses, addictions, sordid pasts, or plastic body parts so Big Brother is out.

We don't have enough children for a show on TLC . . . though, if we adopted sixteen kids who were all blind and mute and maybe missing a limb. Hmm, maybe there's hope yet.

America's Most Wanted

That is one place I'm pretty sure you'll never see my picture turn up.

I was driving behind a Loomis truck this morning, and I began to wonder about the kind of person who could pull off robbing such a target.  As I pondered, I became firmly convinced that were I ever to attempt such a feat, my mug would most assuredly turn up on America's Dumbest Criminals rather than America's Most Wanted.

I so lack the energy and focus to plan an armed robbery.  It was with no small effort that I decided on - and executed - a plan to have cereal and toast for dinner tonight.  The idea of studying truck design and security and driver routes - not to mention coming up with a good stick 'em up line - just flat out exhausts me.  

Also, I'm pretty easily deterred, so those little details that can't be anticipated would mostly likely derail my exhaustingly laid plans.  

Like rain.  I don't like to be out in the rain.  Maybe it's because I don't enjoy being wet, or maybe it's because I'm afraid of lightning (which makes me unable to bring myself to hold a giant metal lightning rod, aka an umbrella, over my head during a storm), but I will seriously reconfigure my day if it rains. Library books overdue?  They can wait till tomorrow.  Grocery run?  We can eat cereal again.  Take Joshua to school?  Aw, he can read at home.  Suffice it to say, the odds are pretty high that if it rained, my larceny plans would be out the window.

Also, if I was having a bad hair day.  I mean, the chances of my having a mug shot taken go up astronomically if I decide to commit a felony, right?  Who wants an ugly mug shot?  Just ask Nick Nolte.

I suppose there are a lot of downsides to being a motivationally-challenged individual.  If I weren't so lazy, I'd list them.  There is, however, an upside.  Who knows what kind of havoc I might wreak on the world if I had more energy?  Which just led me to a brilliant idea.  Give all of the criminals children to adopt.  Clearly, they have too much time and energy on their hands, and who can suck that right out of a person better than a few little miniature people?  I know.  I boggle the mind.

I feel better already

Can I just say how thankful I am to Good Housekeeping magazine for its sage advice? I mean, seriously, here I've been feeling all stressed out and anxious about life, and apparently the people at Good Housekeeping have discovered the 52 secrets, yes secrets, to rid my life of stress.

In the off chance that some of you also experience stress, I felt obligated to share some of these groundbreaking, scientifically-proven tips with you. Because I'm great like that. And because they couldn't put it in a magazine if it wasn't scientifically proven right?


1. Take a Mental Vacation:

When you need to deflate stress, treat yourself to a vacation that’s all in your head: Close your eyes and imagine a relaxing place, such as a beach, a mountain view, or a cozy room. Notice everything you can about your spot. What can you see and smell? The more vivid a picture you paint in your mind, the more your body will respond to the invitation to relax.

Yeah, pretending I'm in Tahiti drinking something with a little umbrella in it when I'm really cleaning pee off the bathroom floor for the third time today is going to help me a lot. I may be able to pretend I'm seeing a sunset and sand, but all the imagination in the world is not going to make this pee smell like coconut. Maybe if I put on some sunscreen first. Then David will be all, "Why do you have to wear sunscreen to clean the bathroom?" and I'll be all, "Because I'm pretending I'm at the beach," and he'll be all, "Well, why don't you wear a bikini, too, then?" and I'll get all mad at his supposedly helpful, but really just self-serving, suggestion.

Actually, I'm starting to see how this could seem like one of our real vacations after all.

2. Bring Out Your Inner Radiance:

According to Ayurveda, the ancient tradition of medicine from India, a facial massage promotes health and brings out your inner radiance. Using your middle fingers, rub these points on your face in a clockwise direction for 20-30 seconds each: middle of the chin, corners of the mouth, middle of the area between your upper lip and nose, outer edges of both nostrils, center of the cheek bones, temples, and the space between the eyebrows.

Okay, aside from the obvious question (which, in case you were wondering, is "If India has such a firm monopoly on medicine, whey do all of their doctors work here?"), I have a few others:

What would happen if I rubbed in a counter-clockwise direction? Would it bring out my inner dullness?

Do I have to do this in private? Because, really, my stress happens more when I'm surrounded by people, and this could really freak people out. On the other hand, maybe if I did it while I was at a red light (which I find highly stressful) and acted like I didn't know other people were watching me, it would be kind of funny. I would have to find a really long red light, though, because by the time I rub all of those places for 30 seconds, that would take me like 4 minutes, and I don't think most traffic lights stay red that long. Maybe I could do it while I'm in line at Walmart. That's a stressful place.

3. Swallow Truth Serum:

Declare your independence from hiding your true feelings by choosing one day this week to pretend that you've swallowed truth serum. The goal isn't to drop bombshells ("I've always hated you in black"), but to be honest in loving way. For example, "I'd love to meet for dinner this weekend, but I am tired and need to rest. Let's pick another time." It's incredibly liberating and is a quick way to reduce your stress levels.

Now this one I could really do something with. Here's how I'm pretty sure it would go:

Josh: Mommy, can you play Monopoly, Jr with me?
Me: Yes, but I don't want to.
Josh: Why not?
Me: Because you stink at it, and you're a bad loser, and I don't want to listen to you whine.
Josh: [crying now]
Me: Stop crying, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
David: What did you say?
Me: That he stinks at Monopoly
David: Why'd you say that?
Me: Because I'm pretending I drank truth serum.
David: Huh?
Me: You know you sound like a neanderthal when you say, "huh?"
David: What's the matter with you?
Me: Nothing. I think I need to go rub some sunscreen on and pretend I'm at the beach again.

4. Do Less:

World-class travelers offer great advice: once you've finished packing, remove three things. You likely won't miss them, your remaining clothes will be less wrinkled, and you'll have room for souvenirs. This week, look at your to-do list cross three things off. Whether you move them to next week or decide they're not necessary, this exercise helps you keep enough time to accommodate the unexpected or spend an afternoon doing whatever you darn well please.

Seriously, people get paid to write articles like this? First off, I'm taking life advice from people known as "world-class travelers?" Second, who packs and then removes three things? That makes no sense.

However, the idea of crossing things of my to-do list without actually doing them definitely appeals to me. If I had a to-do list, I would totally do this. In fact, right now I'm going to make one just so I can scratch things off:

1. Be nice
2. Cook dinner
3. Spend more time playing with kids

Wow, I feel better already.

Just so you know, these were only four of fifty-two such helpful secrets. If you read the whole article, your life will no doubt be dramatically tranformed. And, if it's not, just pretend it is, because this whole thing seems to be pretty much imaginary anyway.

Isn't Valentine's Day supposed to be about romance?

I don't understand how kids got involved in Valentine's Day at all. Isn't this holiday supposed to be about love of the romantic kind? I mean, I get that we live in a culture where we try to avoid excluding anyone from anything. Ever. But, seriously, what does Valentine's Day have to do with kids?

I know. We handed out Valentine cards when we were in school, too. This ritual, however misguided, is nothing new.

(Note: This was, by the way, before schools created these rules where you must give one to every child or you can't give them out at all. Whatever happened to the hurt feelings and bitterness that were the essence of an elementary school valentine card exchange when I was a kid? That whole Charlie Brown thing wasn't just fiction. And, seriously, if we want to get kids involved in a "romantic" holiday at a young age, we might as well let it be something that will prepare them for what life will be like when actual "romance" is involved. Make everyone give them a card now, and they'll just be in for an ugly rude awakening come high school.)

So, anyway, the big party day at school is Wednesday. I've been planning to take Josh to Walmart and pick out some cards . . . probably Tuesday. On the way home from soccer practice when we should be eating dinner. Because I will have forgotten until then, and that's why God made Taco Bell.

So, here I was lying in bed last night looking through Parenting magazine, and I saw an article about "Valentine's Day Craft Ideas." What follows is one of those ideas. (Don't bother reading the whole thing - just pay attention to the parts I put in red and my own commentary, added free of charge, in blue.)

Hand-painted clay pots and saucers filled with Valentine candy are a sweet treat for your child's teacher, grandparent, friend, or even for mom! Create endless design combinations with just a few simple tools and techniques.
Age: 3 and up (This project is rated VERY EASY to do.) (Yeah, I know a lot of 3 year-olds who can do this.)

What you need (Any craft that involves NINE supplies is not getting filed under "very easy" in my book.)

• Terra cotta clay pots in various sizes
• acrylic paints: pinks, reds, purples, white
• Valentine stickers
• paint brushes, one small and one medium
• new pencil (Why the heck would it have to be a new pencil?)
  
• household sponge
• acrylic sealer spray, matte finish (Again, this craft is for a THREE YEAR OLD?!)
  
• lace (optional)
• raffia and/or ribbon (optional) (I had no idea what raffia was, so I looked it up, and the article says it is like hemp! Dude, a craft for a three year old should not involve pot.)
  

What you do
1. Paint clay pot in desired color and let dry. Apply a second coat, and if needed (especially with lighter colors), a third coat as well, allowing sufficient drying time in between coats. Paint inside and outside of pot. (This is only step one, and it already would have taken like hours.)

2. Once painted, it's time to decorate! Here are some ideas to make your pot look great:
* To give your pot a polka dot design, use the eraser of a new pencil and dip into desired paint color. Dab once to remove excess and dot onto pot. Each polka dot will need a new application of paint. For smaller dots, use the end of a paintbrush applying with the same method.

* A household sponge can be used to add a contrasting color. Wet the sponge and squeeze out all excess water. Dab into paint then dab off excess onto a piece of paper towel. Use a dabbing motion to sponge on a light coat of contrasting color.

* Stripes can be applied by simply loading a small paintbrush with paint and painting downward. Stripes do not need to be perfect, so don't fret if you "go outside the lines" so to speak. (Thanks for that heads-up. Without it, I may have fretted.)

* Stickers can be used to decorate your pots. Stick over dry paint and press firmly to be sure they adhere.

* You can tie ribbon or raffia into a bow and glue to the front of your pot, or tie around the rim. Hot glue will work better than white glue for adhering ribbon or raffia to the front of the pot.

* Lace can also be used to accent your pot. Glue lace around the rim for a fancy finish.

3. Once decorated, apply a coat or two of acrylic sealer and allow to dry overnight.

4. Fill with various candy and enjoy your creations!

I'd like to note, for the record, that I didn't put the "VERY EASY" at the beginning in all caps myself. It was all-capped already, so apparently whoever wrote this REALLY believes that this is a "VERY EASY" craft. I think she must have been smoking some raffia.

Now, admittedly, I'm not the crafty type. Hot glue guns and me . . . we don't mix. (Well, actually we usually do, and that's what causes the burns.)

So, imagine my horror to learn recently that handing out those little store-bought valentine cards has become passe. Nowadays, moms MAKE things like heart shaped crayons, bookmarks, and apparently painted terra cotta planters filled with candy.

I hate to break it to my kid, but the only thing his mom makes are trips to Walmart.

Don't worry, I still encourage creativity and craftiness in my kids even though I lack them. I will let him choose his own store-bought cards. I'll even let him pick what color he uses to write all the kids' names on them. Heck, I might even bust out and let him tape a lollipop to each one.

But, that's IT! I will not buy card stock or lace or sparkles or hot glue sticks, and I sure as heck won't buy terra cotta planters . . . or pot.